HOMER

Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try'. 'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?
'Lisa, vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos. Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14% of people know that When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV! Operator! Give me the number for 911!

MARGE

Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone. I don't mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you're taking a shower. History's like an amusement park. Except instead of rides you
'have dates to memorise.

BART

How can someone with glasses so thick be so stupid? Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.
'I cannot promise I'll try, but i'll try to try.

LISA

I learned that beneath my goody two shoes lie some very dark socks. Oh no, the dead have risen and they're voting Republican! Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired in a hostile takeover by Hallmark and Disney, homogenised,
'and sold off piece by piece.

MAGGIE

This is indeed a disturbing universe.

GRANDPA SIMPSON

Dear Mr President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P. S. I am not a crackpot

NED FLANDERS

I've done everything the Bible says - even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff.
'Now let us download the holy tweet of the Lord.

MOE SZYSLAK

Bring us your finest food, stuffed with your second-finest.