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Big freeze and big benefits
No daily baths, no worries about looking fat and no road rage, there are plenty of pluses to minus temperatures.
I spent the last weekend sitting in front of the computer thinking of writing, but couldn't dare take my hands out of my pockets. An entire day of doing nothing. I felt like a lazy babu at a government office. I mean, these days my hands are so cold that I could instantly freeze a glass of milk with a mere touch. It's like a poor man's version of the Midas touch.
This may be the severest cold wave in a long time but the horrible weather does spark off an innumerable number of excellent possibilities. Imagine you are traveling in rush hour traffic, listening to a nice, classy Bollywood song like Fevicol or Chikni Chameli on the radio, the heater is blowing heavenly, warm air in your face, when suddenly there is a loud sound and a car crashes into yours. Your normal instinct is to get out of the car, grab the offending driver by the collar and beat him up while singing praises of the ladies in his family. But you don't do that. Why? Because who will get out in this bitter cold and risk getting frozen to death instead? The road-rage problem solved in an instant. If we could have the cold persist for the full year, there would be no more violence on our roads. I say this alone makes the cold a strong contender for the Nobel peace prize.
Another great thing is all the layers of clothing most of us are wearing these days. A warm inner-wear. A shirt. Two sweaters. Maybe three in some cases. A thick jacket. A muffler. This is great on so many levels. First, it helps our textile industry. Second, all that cloth could easily act as bullet proof armor, just in case you end up getting shot by a neighbour over a parking dispute. Also on the theme of crime, as many of our leaders love to tell us, with our women fully covered up in layers of clothing, instances of sexual violence would reduce dramatically. Pondicherry was already thinking of making women wear overcoats as a rape deterrent. Last, and most important, nobody is thin or fat anymore. We are all equally hidden under the layers of warm clothing. Our men and women can eat freely. No more gyms. No more worrying about looking like Kareena or John Abraham if we all look like Sajid and Farah Khan (in her fat avatar). This is like socialism for our bodies.
Thanks to the cold, there is no need to take a bath everyday, which is great for young boys and bachelors. Win-win situation overall, as it promotes sales of deodorants and saves precious water. Another industry that benefits is the medical one. This would be a good time to invest in stocks of companies that manufacture cough syrup and antibiotic medicines.
This weather is also great for husbands, because if the wife asks them to do anything over the weekend, breaking into a shivering spell produces great results. One can happily laze around watching WWE or History channel all day and the wife won't take you to task.
The weather works well for our politicians as well. Who will go out to shout slogans in this cold? No more protests on the streets. No need to shut down Delhi metro stations. I suspect their cold weather is the reason Canada is one of the most peaceful countries in the world. Then there are photo-ops for the taking for resourceful politicians. They just need to buy a dozen blankets, distribute them to homeless people and win brownie points for the next election. Works out much cheaper than strategic projects.
Now if only we could get mangoes in the winter, there would be no need for summer anymore.
The writer blogs at amreekandesi. com
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